Are you feeling adrift? Lost on the stormy seas of life and looking for a little divine inspiration? Then hark, me hearties, for I invite ye to submit yourselves to the awesome power of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! By the grace of His Noodly Appendage, all things be possible!
Origins of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
As the being that created all that is seen and unseen, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has never not been among us. However, the first publicized record of its existence came in 2006 via an open letter to the Kansas School Board in response to their discussion about including Intelligent Design in the curriculum. I strongly encourage you to read the letter in its entirety–it is a masterclass in satire, although the FSM website states that is purely coincidental. But here are a few choice quotes just to give you an idea:
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel…It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools.
It is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (Pastafarianism), and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.
Beautiful. 10/10, no notes. Why this man–sorry, this hero–doesn’t have a national holiday dedicated to him is a tragedy. I did find this calendar of Pastafarian holidays, though I claim no knowledge on how official it is.
Powers and Abilities
As you would expect of any universe-creating deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monsters’ abilities are plentiful and awesome to behold. As outlined in the 2006 letter, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is invisible and incorporeal, allowing it to pass through matter with ease. It uses this to make real-time changes to any and all carbon-dating processes to make the Earth appear older than it is. It also has an affinity for pirates, the decline of which has drawn its ire in the form of global warming and the increasing occurrences of natural disasters.
Defeating the Flying Spaghetti Monster
You don’t defeat it. You submit to it. Or you ignore it. It doesn’t matter. Since there is no official enrollment process (unless you decide to become a minister), it is only logical to conclude that we’re all already members. So–welcome to the church, True Believer! Or Half-Believer. Or Vehement Angry Non-Believer. Makes no difference either way.
Now that you’ve been indoctrinated into the Church, you can help spread the word! Like all religions, propaganda and evangelism are a big part of FSM’s creed. As such, there are many wonderful premade signs, flyers, logos and more available on their website, which is where I got today’s featured image as well as (my personal favorite) this rendition in stained glass:
Happy Monday, monsters. And remember–He boiled for your sins, so go on and sin away, ye scurvy dogs! Yar!
