It’s no secret that I’m proud to call Las Vegas home. However, one thing I don’t love is the wall-to-wall barrage of assholes that descend on our city every five to seven days. Don’t get me wrong–I have nothing against tourists who come to enjoy. What I’m talking about are the people who crash into town thinking that an airline ticket and a hotel reservation give them the right to treat the people who live and work here like shit. Unfortunately, since I am not the Queen of Vegas (yet…) there’s not a whole lot I can do about people like this. Luckily, we have Hangnail to handle these problems for us.
Please do so responsibly—and let me know! I want to see what y’all get up to.
Yeah, they aren’t all sexy. Sorry everyone.
Powers and Abilities
Hangnail is a zombiesque phantom cowboy that lurks in the desert and mountains that surround the Las Vegas valley. He is particularly fond of areas near the major highways that lead in and out of town, which make it easy for him to approach stranded motorists under the pretense of offering assistance. Since his gaunt appearance and long teeth can be off-putting, he tends to only appear at night. His benign facade disappears as soon as he has his victim alone, at which point he uses a concealed proboscis to inject them with poisonous saliva that liquifies their insides, which he then sucks out and ingests as nourishment.
Hangnail is an indiscriminate predator, however he does seem to have a particular fondness for those who victimize others physically, emotionally or financially. That could be why, though he prefers the isolation of the desert, it is not uncommon to see him within the Las Vegas city limits, where his favorite meal is so readily available. Typically, Hangnail’s victims are never found as he either devours them completely or discards their drained husks in the flood tunnels that run throughout the city. If those aren’t an option, there’s always the mountains. Or the desert. As pop culture has taught us, there’s no shortage of places in and around Las Vegas to hide a body.
Defeating Hangnail
Hangnail is not only immortal, he is impervious to bullets as well as most slicing, piercing, and bludgeoning weapons. Fire is also an ineffective, not to mention impractical, defense. It seems the best way to defeat him is by spraying him in the face with mace or another aerosolized poison. It won’t kill him, but it should stun him long enough for you to get away.
Actually, I take that back. The best way to avoid being attacked by Hangnail is to keep yourself off his radar in the first place. Be nice to hotel staff. Tip your servers. Don’t harass street performers or our unhoused citizens. And if that hot girl at the bar says she’s not interested, leave her the hell alone. In short, follow Wheaton’s Law: DON’T BE A DICK.
Hangnail’s Origins
The answer to this question largely depends on what one chooses to believe. Some say he was a simpleminded ranch hand who was killed trying to stop the rape of his bosses’ daughter. Others say he was an indigenous shaman who was unjustly executed by Mormon missionaries during their three-year occupation of the Las Vegas Valley. And still others claim he is a complete fabrication, created by a bored Vegas fiction writer with Wikipedia access and a chip on her shoulder about rude tourists and human parasites. Who’s to say what’s true?
Well…we are. You and me. That’s the thing about cryptids, beasts of folklore, and everything else you see here at Monster of the Week. They’re all a fun time, sure, but they all started out serving a cultural purpose, usually as some sort of cautionary tale. The truth is, literally anyone can create a cryptid. All you need is a working knowledge of the region they live in and a lesson that you want to teach in the creepiest way possible. And, of course, Wikipedia. That’s it! In a hundred years, no one reading The Legend of Hangnail will be able to tell the difference between what is true and what is an utter lie–or, as we in the author business call it, a good day’s work.
That being said, if you’re planning to visit Las Vegas, it’s still probably best if you mind your manners. Just to be safe.
Happy Monday, monsters!
