It’s April Fools Day, so you may be thinking this one is a joke. Well, I’ve got news for you: I hate April Fools Day. How could I not? It’s a holiday whose sole purpose is to make the trusting and guileless look and feel like idiots. So, with apologies to the pranksters in the audience, I’m afraid Belphegor, the demon of April, is no joke.
Okay, so, he did once host an orgy the size of the city and takes his tribute in the form of human excrement. But still, this is serious! I swear.
Please do so responsibly—and let me know! I want to see what y’all get up to.
Origins of Belphegor
We first meet Belphegor (called by his original name, Ba’al Peor) in The Book of Numbers. When the Israelites journeyed through Moab, a portion of the group was lured away by the followers of Belphegor through the judicious application of orgies.
Fun(?) Fact: The Moabites were descended from the union between Lot and one of his daughters, who got him drunk specifically so she could get pregnant. So…you know, it feels like there’s kind of a cultural precedent among this group for not being, shall we say, traditional about sex.
In response to their betrayal of capital-G God, Moses decreed that all those who had fallen would be killed. Which, according to sources I’ve found (see below), that was 176,000 people. For context, that is roughly the size of Rancho Cucamonga, California as of the time of this writing.
Once you get over the horror of a massacre that huge, I invite you lift your spirts by considering what the precipitating orgy must have been like. And keep in mind, the 176K was only the Israelite contingent. When you factor in the Moabites, it could have been twice that big–about the size of Cleveland. OR BIGGER. I’m not trying to be overly lewd here; I’m just saying, that must have been one hell of a party.
So to speak.
Powers and Abilities
Belphegor’s power concentrates in arguably the basest appetites and expressions of humanity. He has been connected to the gods Pet and Crepitus (fart and flatulence, respectively), as well as Priapus, a fertility god with a persistent erection. There are also reports that Belphegor can appear to mortals in the form of a naked woman with the goal of enticing men (or women, who’s to say?) into acts of licentiousness.
However, that is all ancillary to his real claim to fame. For Belphegor may be many things, but he is first and foremost an inventor. His true passion is to discover, champion, and proliferate any system or device that will allow humanity to become lazy, greedy, and cruel.
Which…I think in modern times, that makes him Shark Tank, right? Once again, I don’t really know what I’m talking about because I’ve never seen the show. Feel free to tell me I’m wrong–or better yet, propose an alternative metaphor! I would love that.
Of course, like every prince of Hell, Belphegor is always accepting offerings, but only in the following forms:
- Human flesh, which, generous guy that he is, he gives to his priests for their consumption.
- The other form of tribute he accepts is, and I quote, “rendered to him on the commode…the ignoble residue of digestion.” Which I believe is the 17th-century-French-clergyman’s way of saying “shit.”
Aaaaand I’m out.
Defeating Belphegor
As was the case of Satan, Leviathan, and all the rest of the Brimstone Boys (TM), avoidance and vigilance are your best friends. Don’t slack off when it comes to hygiene or home chores this month. Keep on cleaning out that inbox. If you see a commercial that contains the phrase “There’s got to be a better way!” immediately change the channel.
And if one warm spring evening, there should appear on your doorstep a striking, possibly nude woman who says she have an invitation to a carnal romp with your name on it…maybe ask her to come back on the first of May? Hey hey?
Happy April everyone!
Sources
- https://www.theywhodwellinthecracks.com/on-belphegor
- https://www.monstropedia.org/index.php?title=Belphegor
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belphegor
- https://www.monstropedia.org/index.php?title=Belphegor
- https://www.theywhodwellinthecracks.com/on-belphegor
